In the opening five minute stretch between Olga Schoberová’s character Carol languidly walking down a mountain road to woozy sax porn music, to a restrained drunken orgy on a boat to woozy sax porn music, you know two things about The Vengeance of She.
It will be tryingly tedious.
It will all be accompanied by woozy sax porn music.
If ever there was an indicator of how important music is to a film, Mario Nascimbene’s The Vengeance of She score is it. From start to finish Nascimbene’s choices are incredibly cringe-inducing. Without ever having to see the film I bet you, reader, are mentally face-palming at the notion of a supposedly epic and dangerous trek through the desert, set to sounds that should accompany an old naughty film from Amsterdam that features moustachioed delivery men. What little mystery or tension that might have been is soundly trod on by this embarrassing aural abomination.
That’s not to say the music ruins what would have been a thrilling romp. The Vengeance of She amounts to a lot of walking, mostly consisting of two character-voids trudging through the desert, remarking on how tired they are. There isn’t a moment in the film that doesn’t feel like it’s just there to fill time. Lead characters Philip (Edward Judd) and George (Colin Blakely) are every bit as boring as their names suggest, and just as badly acted as that.
The finale is also predictably dismal, with solutions to problems coming out of nowhere. Not even the unintentional melodrama can peak any kind of interest. The antagonist, Kallikrates (John Richardson, again, very boringly acted) is scripted with nothing more than perfunctory plot necessities and functions, with a light topping of swords and sandals villainy to try and hide the nothingness underneath. A truly dire film.
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