“Horror filled his empty stomach as he saw that part of the gorgeous body of his egg was missing! His exquisite dreamy companion had been tarnished by teeth marks that ringed a hole in the front of the chocolate shell.”
Jonny wasn’t selfish or overweight; he just needed more fuel than other people, which was not uncommon for an entrenched chocoholic. Jonny could happily eat ten bars of chocolate a day and not put any weight on while his girlfriend Emily complained she just had to look at a Milkyway and she would put on a stone! She complained Jonny didn’t understand and he should be more sensitive because over the years she had become a little self-conscious about slightly being big-boned. Unfortunately, Jonny had recently voiced an observation that he had never seen any big-boned Ethiopian’s. By the time he realised this may not have been a wise thing to say to his girlfriend, it was too late. He would never understand a woman’s ability to see an insult in the most innocent of comments.
Eventually, when Emily decided to talk to him again she announced that they both needed to go on a diet. Jonny dreaded it when Emily was in one of her dieting moods. It only lasted a week or so but he was forced to endure the cruel and unusual punishment of daily salads and dried fruit. It was a known fact that men needed to eat more calories than women so he needed to keep up his strength and eat more than her. Even so, Emily would complain endlessly if she discovered Jonny had been snaffling treats without offering anything to her. So life, especially dieting, was much easier and sweeter when Emily didn’t discover his bit of food-on-the-side. After all, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. He had developed a repertoire of cunning plans to make sure he was able to continue indulging his sweet tooth whilst Emily remained blissfully unaware. Besides, he was only protecting Emily from herself because if he shared everything with her then she would get all fat and really unhappy and he never liked to see her sad, especially while they were away at camp together.
This weekend it was the annual Easter camp for the local scout group of which they were both assistant leaders. The group kept a brisk pace as they strolled through the countryside on their night hike. The endless stars in the cloudless sky overhead reminded Jonny of how small and insignificant they all were in the grand scheme of things. Suddenly a shooting star fell in an arch through the heavens with a glittering tail shimmering behind it. Someone else spotted its majestic flight and said they should all make a wish. Jonny’s wish was his usual one which comprised of chocolates and girlfriends, in that order. He smiled to himself at the thought and glanced over his shoulder to where Emily was bringing up the rear and wondered what she had wished for in light of her current ill feelings towards him.
The group were in The New Forest for the six day camping event which had the potential to feel a lot longer if Emily didn’t pull herself out of her mood. He put it down to it being her time-of-the-month again! He suspected all of her irrational, overly emotional and hostile behaviour towards him was due to her monthly cycle. It always affected her in the same way; major mood swings where he could do nothing right and a complete inability to think about anything logically. Sometimes he knew when it was time before she did. Luckily, Jonny remembered to keep it to himself this time. Emily didn’t seem to appreciate his insightful and often helpful observations about her biology when she was busy arguing at him. Unfortunately, he had learned that the hard way, more than once! This current episode of disharmony had started last night during dinner: Jonny had hidden the last slice of chocolate cake in the fridge. He had been careful to cover his tracks and Emily knew nothing about. It was a big deliciously moist lump of stodgy cake, which was definitely not big enough for two people to share. After they finished their main course Jonny found a small almost out-of-date apple pie out of the cupboard and gave it to Emily, which she seemed to enjoy. Then he made another elicit rendezvous with the fridge and casually returned to the dining room with well-practiced timing just as Emily finished her pie. For some reason Emily became immediately jealous as she saw Jonny with his dessert and flew off the handle. Naturally he offered her some of course, but as she had just finished her desert she didn’t want anything else to eat. Jonny had suspected he may react like this. She failed to recognise his faultless generosity and accused him of being selfish! She spent the rest of the evening complaining about it but Jonny was able to filter it out as he turned inward to relive those wondrous moments with his sticky chocolaty companion. She finally ended her rant by telling him if he didn’t change his selfish ways when it came to chocolate he would one day regret it.
Emily could sometimes stay angry for days and this camp could become very taxing if she was in one of those moods so he needed to get something to make the next few days a little more bearable until she calmed down. She had been grumpy all day today and technically he had done nothing wrong. She had accepted that apple pie and devoured it all. He’d even offered to share his cake with her, which was not an easy thing for him to do (although he knew it was a safe bet that she would say “no”). Emily just didn’t understand him; not like chocolate did. Not like the current little number he had waiting for him in his room tonight!Somehow chocolate would be the perfect girlfriend: it never judged him, never complained about him to its friends, never made him feel guilty for looking at other chocolates and was even happy for him to have two or even three different chocolates at the same time!
Earlier that day the scout leader had realised they hadn’t brought the Easter eggs. Somehow they had forgotten to pack them with the other things so he had given Jonny fifty pounds and asked him to quickly pop into town to get some eggs for the Easter egg hunt on Sunday. In the quaint local town Jonny had found a market and while browsing the stalls he came upon someone with an amazing selection of beauties. Next to the common standard eggs that were the same as the ones back at the Scout hut, were some that looked a little less colourful. The boxes looked a little bashed, the colour wasn’t as bright and they had some funny foreign writing on them and but the little buggers, Jonny’s affectionate name for the scouts, wouldn’t mind that. The quality may be a little less but with two eggs for a pound he couldn’t go wrong. Plus, that would leave Jonny with nearly thirty quid left to spend on an egg for himself!
He deserved some comfort after all, something to fill the gap in his life after that unjustified abuse from Emily last night. He could get a nice one and share it with Emily. That would make her feel better and get back in her good books again. They had dedicated a lot of his time to the scouts and it was the least they could do for them. He was just browsing the eggs looking to be inspired when his eyes were suddenly drawn to the most wondrous sight ever: An egg of the highest standards of chocolaty perfection seemed to be whispering seductively to him. He stood almost hypnotised by its beguiling aura. Bigger than a dinosaur egg, it was resplendent and of such physical perfection that it appeared unearthly. Like a beautiful angel sent from heaven it stood elegantly on a raised shelf at the back of the stall. Its divine golden light reflected off its majestic wrapper like a halo. It would probably take two sittings to finish this one, even if he was sharing it with Emily.
Unfortunately an egg like this was such a rarity it deserved to be eaten properly; savoured and enjoyed with ritual devotion. It wasn’t the kind of thing that should be casually shared, even with his girlfriend. She would want to share it with him of course but sadly that could not be; not with this egg: It was only meant for him. Emily would understand though… well no, Jonny imagined, she probably wouldn’t understand. But if he didn’t tell her she would never find out. It would just be between him and his egg; their little naughty secret. Just a bit of innocent fun where nobody got hurt or shouted at by Emily.That brought a smiley to his face and it was as if the egg smiled back at him, flirtatiously teasing him, making him want her more. Jonny quickly paid for the egg and made sure no one saw him smuggle his new chocolaty mistress back into his bedroom in the dorm on the camp site where the leaders slept. He gently kissed his sweet love before happily dancing out of his room to find the rest of his patrol. Then tonight when everyone else was asleep it would just be the two of them together at last for a night of wild intense passion.
“Somehow chocolate would be the perfect girlfriend: it never judged him, never complained about him to its friends, never made him feel guilty for looking at other chocolates and was even happy for him to have two or even three different chocolates at the same time!”
The bright silvery light from the moon lit the path as the group trudged to the campsite at the end of the hike. Jonny watched the little buggers wearily crawl into their tents before he and the other adults turned into their rooms. He had been fantasising about his beloved chocolate all evening but now he was alone in his room he realised he was too tired for any naughty shenanigans after all. He would just have to look forward to tasting it tomorrow instead. Emily was totally unsuspecting of his latest conquest so he had nothing to worry about.
Jonny hadn’t been asleep for long when the soft furtive sound that had been rustling on the edges of his awareness became louder. The sound pushed the images of his dreams aside and he became more awake. It was like a tearing paper or scrunching of foil. Lying very still in bed he wasn’t sure if the noise was part of a dream or if it really was in his room. His ears strained to listen in the darkness and becoming more fully awake. He peered into the gloom but could see nothing in the blackness until he found his torch next to his bed and he switched it on. The beam swept around the room, searching to see if anyone was in there with him. The room was empty and he was just beginning to think perhaps he had imagined the sound after all when the light passed over some gold paper on the floor. Rolling out of bed to investigate; Jonny saw it was part of the wrapper from his wonderful pristine egg. He spun round and dived under his bed, pulling out the spare blankets that were hiding his prize.
Horror filled his empty stomach as he saw that part of the gorgeous body of his egg was missing! His exquisite dreamy companion had been tarnished by teeth marks that ringed a hole in the front of the chocolate shell. Numb with disappointment, he pulled it out into the centre of the room feeling his stomach knot in anguish, a hole in his chest. Who had done such a thing? Suddenly his guilty mind thought of Emily. Did she suspect something? Had she seen him with his egg? Jonny panicked momentarily. Emily had found out and in a fit of jealousy, she wanted to get rid of the competition! If so, then he was in big trouble with her. He had lots of explaining and grovelling to do. But no, he reasoned. If it was Emily then she would not waste time sneaking around like this. She couldn’t know about his disloyalty because he had been too careful. It had to be someone else. One of the greedy little buggers then?
They must have found it and eaten half of it, Jonny thought with a feeling of utter dismay at the senselessness of it. This was such a betrayal. It was the most selfish insensitive thing someone could have done. What had he done to deserve this? As he hung his head he spotted some dark gooey liquid on the floor. His first thought was chocolate sauce. A thin trail of it led back to the remaining half of his egg that he clutched to his chest like a new born baby that he was trying to comfort. He hadn’t known it had a gooey centre when he bought it and now after finding out this way, the pain of his loss was that much more devastating. When he found out who had done it; they would be in trouble.
At that moment as he began plotting his revenge, Jonny noticed the large footprint in the middle of the brown goo. It was not a human footprint, it was long and thin but it wasn’t anything he had seen before in the wild either. He was pretty good at identifying animal tracks in the woods but this was something different. For some reason the footprint, the goo and the broken egg made Jonny think of an animal hatching into the world. But he didn’t have time to elaborate on this thought before he heard the rustling of foil and a soft crunching sound again. He hadn’t imagined it then and whoever it was was still in his room. Right behind him! He turned to his bed to see a brown feminine-looking figure squatting on his covers and regarding him with a keen interest. She was breathlessly attractive with a radiant beauty. But there was something different about her. It took a moment for him to realise what it was in the gloom but then he got it: She seemed to be covered in rich dark chocolate. In the torchlight he saw her flawless naked body had a shiny cocoa hue. But Jonny’s eyes were drawn to the equally flawless piece of Easter egg in her hand, his Easter egg!
This strange beautiful woman had somehow got into his room and was eating his egg. This must be some kind of dream he wondered. His unconscious mind had created this image from his mind after that shooting star earlier. If he was dreaming then he didn’t want to wake up. It was a little unfair for her to eat his egg without him though. He looked sadly at the chocolate in her hand. However, if he had paid more attention to the woman he would have seen that she wasn’t just covered in chocolate as first thought, but she was actually made of chocolate. He may also have seen her teeth and the hungry look in her rich caramel coloured eyes as she considered something much more appetising that the Easter egg that had brought her into the world. Jonny loved chocolate and he always believed chocolate loved Jonny in exactly the same way. It was a passionate love affair but not driven by romance like his relationship with Emily. This was driven by the basic instinct to feed and survive. That was how this woman thought of Jonny but by the time he formed this insight it was already too late for him. The delicious-looking woman climbed off the bed and approached him with open arms and an open mouth while Jonny continued to gaze longingly at the piece of Easter egg in her hand.
“At that moment as he began plotting his revenge, Jonny noticed the large footprint in the middle of the brown goo.”
The following morning Emily was supervising some of the scouts as they cooked breakfast on open camp fires. They were talking about the mad scream they had heard in the night. No one knew where it came from but they put it down to someone in another tent trying to scare them. Emily had heard it as well but at the time she had thought nothing more of it. It was only when Jonny failed to emerge from his room that she started to feel a little uneasy. After a while she went to his room to look for him but saw he was not there. A search of the camp site also failed to locate her unreliable boyfriend. The only clue was a spattering of messy chocolaty handprints smeared over the walls of his room and some strange chocolaty footprints leading out of the dorm. When it came to chocolate Jonny just couldn’t help himself, she sighed. It really would be the death of him one day!